MRI-ing It With My Serious Side

I had an MRI of my neck and spine yesterday.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared.
I'm scared for what it might show.
I'm scared for what it might not show.

I've been contemplating what this could mean for a while now.

What if things are serious? As much as I have been able, with as much as I have been given, have I lived my life to the fullest? The fullest potential? The fullest potential to make a positive impact on the world? Will my life's footprint be remembered with fear, disgust, or maybe even worse...ambivalence? Might it be washed away by the tide?

Don't get me wrong, I have many, many people in my life who I know love me and cares for me. There's no doubt about it. And maybe that's because they enjoy my company, maybe I create a few laughs, maybe there's a bond that only living life together can bring. But my question is not, do others love me well, but rather, am I living up to my fullest capacity to love others?

This is a rhetorical question, not one to be answered by anyone other than myself and my God. One to be answered again and again, until the question can no longer be asked.

What about the physical possibilities? What if I need surgery? What if it hurts? What if it alters my body's abilities? What if I become seriously debilitated for the rest of my life?

If I am being truly honest, I don't want to die.
But I don't either want to live with some of the possibilities.

I know some of you may not want to hear that. I'm sorry.

Let me reitify...I don't want to die. I want to fully live.

I want to fully live by running toward that potential to love.
I want to fully live without feeling trapped in my own skin.

How can I be so selfless and so selfish at the same time???

Well, all I can do now is wait, and enjoy the holidays with friends and family.

I commit to deal as it comes. And I am deciding, no matter what, to aim toward that potential to love.

Please help me.

"Good Grief"

"I won't let commercialism ruin my Christmas. " - Charlie Brown



I'm so glad that I watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with myself this afternoon. What a profound movie.
Right where my heart is this Christmas.
Sally was making her Christmas list and said, "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share", as she asked for cash to buy all the toys she desired.
I've been Sally in the past. Maybe I have a little bit of Sally still in me. But as she spoke those words I realised in a new way...I'm not so sure I want "what I have coming to me". I don't think it would be pretty.
But, like Lucy suggested to Charlie, "You need to get involved in some Christmas project."
Yes. Yes I did need that.
I too would be feeling, "The Charlie Browniest", this season, if I hadn't taken some of  the focus off myself and poured it onto those who could use it.
And I really believe Christmas is about so much more than the beast of greed we've sometimes made it into be.
"Is there anyone who can tell me what Christmas is all about?"
"And on earth, peace, and goodwill toward men."
Thanks Linus.
 I'm not sure I agree with Lucy though, when she  asks, "How can you say someone is Great if he's never had his picture on bubblegum cards?!"
I've never seen a picture of Jesus, but I have a feeling He has a lot to do with the "Magic of Christmas". I'm thinking He is pretty great.
Maybe not in the sense that some people think.
No that He came to die, but that He came to show us how to live.
Maybe the way He lived his life, is what twists people's hearts towards love, forgiveness, generosity.
I pray that I my gain, "Good Grief"  and leak it out of my soul. The kind of grief that is for others pain, and the kind that spurs me to action.
I think I may need to watch that movie again in about February. And April. And June.

"Is there anyone who can tell me what Christmas is all about?"

Yes, I think He can.

Angels

This Christmas season, as it became evident that a particular family was in need. I put out a call to some friends and family to see if they could help bless this family and meet some of their basic needs.

As a result, I would like to tell you a story.

A teenage girl that I know in a distant town had asked her parents if they would by her a $200 ipod for Christmas. Their response was that they would pitch in half, but that the difference would have to come out of the teen's own money.

On a totally different day, one of my family members happened to informed this teen's mother of the family in need, and this friend wanted to contribute, but needed to discuss it with her spouse before committing.
The mother was reading my plea for help to her husband in their car, with the kids in the backseat.
When they got home, the teen quietly went down to her room and came back up with $100 and said this, "I don't want the ipod for Christmas. I want to help this family instead." The parents then added to that money a very generous amount and sent it with my family member to give to me to pass on.

As my sister recited this story to me, tears ran down my cheeks.

What teenager, who wants an ipod, gives up her Christmas present and gives of her own money on top of that?!?

That girl's heart bleeds love. The kind of love that I wish my heart to bleed.

There are angels in this world.
Apparently they come in the form of a humble, teenage girl.

Thank you.

More

I had the honour of meeting a sweet, sweet woman recently who is in the hospital due to her spouse shattering her skull. She is originally from another country and speaks little English, has children and at this point has no place to go when she gets out of the hospital. Her children are in "care" living in a hotel while she cries herself to sleep each night from fear and worry and pain. She is in agony. In every sense possible.

As Christmas approaches, I always look forward to...
 spending time with friends and family,
     {she has no other family here and her only visitors are her children and their support worker}

the delectable food treats that will be sampled over the next few weeks,
     {She will be eating hospital food, if she is up to eating at all. Chewing pains her head}

the gifts that will be passed around and delight on my nieces and nephews faces as they open them,
     {I have been told her family will be given the token hamper, since they are now in "care"}

staring at my lit up Christmas tree with it's angel tree topper and pure white lights glowing in the dark,
     {I don't imagine the hotel, which lies in the core area, is in the habit of putting up Christmas trees for families such as this}

the stocking that will be filled to the brim with wonderful surprises from my husband,    
     {As violence his only gift, I pray this family's husband and father will be found and put in jail.}

Christmas.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
I've known for years it is not about the shopping, eating and getting. Right?
I've known for years that it is supposed to be about the birth of a baby named Jesus.
But is that it?
Is it just a celebration of this birth?
Why?
What does that really mean?
That we give those we love stuff out of joy and thankfulness? Sure. Maybe.
But is it not more than that?

Someone whom I respect very much said this recently, "The world will be influenced because you are in it. How will you use that influence?"

My heart is twisted in a knot this season. I hope in that process it wrings out an outpouring of love.

To those of you who so generously are helping me help this sweet, sweet woman and her family this Christmas, I thank you. From the bottom of my messy bleeding heart. It is obvious your heart is squeezing out love in this and your influence will make a difference.

I don't plan to give out an answer as to what this celebration of Christmas is all about. I trust you to dig deep and figure out what it could mean in your life. It will be different for everyone.

I just know this:
It must mean...
More.