Saturday, December 13, 2014

Christmas Nostalgia: Embracing Life


I don’t feel whole.

Today, as I sit in an aura of Christmas nostalgia, my heart is split in two.

Looking inwardly, pain and excitement, discouragement and gratefulness, frustration and privilege all claw and tear at each other for victory within me.

Pain, discouragement and frustration scream, “You are disabled, sick, and broken down,” while excitement, gratefulness and privilege shout back, “You are loved, capable and possess abundance.”

My life has become a massive collision of joy and suffering. Don and I are on the adventure of a lifetime, living overseas and experiencing life fully in new and thrilling ways. We have fallen in love with the UK, to add to our love of Canada. We have great community with friends and family both far and away. I have never lived such texture before. Fascination engulfs me daily as uneven cobblestone keeps me awake in each step; as quirks and intricacies of people come to the forefront even in the mundane; as colours break forth in each musical note of songs like All of Me by John Legend and Blank Space by Taylor Swift.

I am alert.

At the same time, sickness has gripped and shook every step of this voyage.

And why should it not?

As I look outward, I see pain and excitement, discouragement and gratefulness, frustration and privilege. Their message might differ to those they battle within, but they thrive just the same.

Christmas seems to magnify this vast range of emotion. It is a time to celebrate those we love, as well as mourn those we’ve lost. It is a time to give, although not everyone is privileged enough to receive. It is a time to celebrate all that we have, but how do we put aside painful pasts and uncertain futures?

I don’t know how to embrace the whole of living, but I know I must.

In anticipation of Christmas, I am reminded of what I want to be most important in my life. The key to acceptance of life in its totality.

Love.

And love is something that sickness or pain will not take away from me. It is mine to give, freely and fiercely, no matter the circumstance.  

I will laugh.

I will cry.

 I will love.

As you laugh, and as you cry, I pray that love is victorious, settling at the core of your being and permeating your every ounce, regardless of joy or pain.

In celebration of life in its entirety,

Merry Christmas.