MRI-ing It With My Serious Side

I had an MRI of my neck and spine yesterday.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared.
I'm scared for what it might show.
I'm scared for what it might not show.

I've been contemplating what this could mean for a while now.

What if things are serious? As much as I have been able, with as much as I have been given, have I lived my life to the fullest? The fullest potential? The fullest potential to make a positive impact on the world? Will my life's footprint be remembered with fear, disgust, or maybe even worse...ambivalence? Might it be washed away by the tide?

Don't get me wrong, I have many, many people in my life who I know love me and cares for me. There's no doubt about it. And maybe that's because they enjoy my company, maybe I create a few laughs, maybe there's a bond that only living life together can bring. But my question is not, do others love me well, but rather, am I living up to my fullest capacity to love others?

This is a rhetorical question, not one to be answered by anyone other than myself and my God. One to be answered again and again, until the question can no longer be asked.

What about the physical possibilities? What if I need surgery? What if it hurts? What if it alters my body's abilities? What if I become seriously debilitated for the rest of my life?

If I am being truly honest, I don't want to die.
But I don't either want to live with some of the possibilities.

I know some of you may not want to hear that. I'm sorry.

Let me reitify...I don't want to die. I want to fully live.

I want to fully live by running toward that potential to love.
I want to fully live without feeling trapped in my own skin.

How can I be so selfless and so selfish at the same time???

Well, all I can do now is wait, and enjoy the holidays with friends and family.

I commit to deal as it comes. And I am deciding, no matter what, to aim toward that potential to love.

Please help me.