Christmas Nostalgia: Embracing Life

I don’t feel whole.

Today, as I sit in an aura of Christmas nostalgia, my heart is split in two.

Looking inwardly, pain and excitement, discouragement and gratefulness, frustration and privilege all claw and tear at each other for victory within me.

Pain, discouragement and frustration scream, “You are disabled, sick, and broken down,” while excitement, gratefulness and privilege shout back, “You are loved, capable and possess abundance.”

My life has become a massive collision of joy and suffering. Don and I are on the adventure of a lifetime, living overseas and experiencing life fully in new and thrilling ways. We have fallen in love with the UK, to add to our love of Canada. We have great community with friends and family both far and away. I have never lived such texture before. Fascination engulfs me daily as uneven cobblestone keeps me awake in each step; as quirks and intricacies of people come to the forefront even in the mundane; as colours break forth in each musical note of songs like All of Me by John Legend and Blank Space by Taylor Swift.

I am alert.

At the same time, sickness has gripped and shook every step of this voyage.

And why should it not?

As I look outward, I see pain and excitement, discouragement and gratefulness, frustration and privilege. Their message might differ to those they battle within, but they thrive just the same.

Christmas seems to magnify this vast range of emotion. It is a time to celebrate those we love, as well as mourn those we’ve lost. It is a time to give, although not everyone is privileged enough to receive. It is a time to celebrate all that we have, but how do we put aside painful pasts and uncertain futures?

I don’t know how to embrace the whole of living, but I know I must.

In anticipation of Christmas, I am reminded of what I want to be most important in my life. The key to acceptance of life in its totality.

Love.

And love is something that sickness or pain will not take away from me. It is mine to give, freely and fiercely, no matter the circumstance.  

I will laugh.

I will cry.

 I will love.

As you laugh, and as you cry, I pray that love is victorious, settling at the core of your being and permeating your every ounce, regardless of joy or pain.

In celebration of life in its entirety,

Merry Christmas.

The Natural Beauty FB Challenge: I Decline

I've been challenged. Over the past week, ladies are being nominated to post a picture of themselves with a naked face - makeup free. My understanding is this is to show that you are unashamed of the natural beauty that you are, created to be you without a mask. Only for me, this challenge stimulates a different response.
Let me explain.
I'm being brutally honest and vulnerable here by telling you this: When I don't wear makeup, people don't tell me that I'm beautiful. They ask me if I'm sick.
Every. Single. Time.
I have spent much of my life actually being sick, and I fight against that daily. The last thing I want is to look sick, especially if I'm feeling good.
I'm sure it's true that people who know me and love me see the essence of beauty in parts of my inner being (some of it though, is not so pretty), causing the outward appearance not to matter. I'm sure of this because when I see a friend without makeup, it changes nothing about the beauty I see in them. But I don't wear makeup for others. I wear it for me.
Some may think that women wear makeup to either draw attention to themselves or to hide behind a mask. Both I'm sure are true for some. But many of the people in my life, including myself, wear makeup because it enhances our features, giving us confidence and a satisfying view of our reflection in the mirror. I'm comfortable with that reason - as I know many of you are as well, since the majority of you who posted naked face pictures will also put makeup on one day soon.
It really doesn't matter to me whether you are more comfortable with or without makeup. You still are who you are. I commend you either way.
To be clear, I have no problem with all of you who posted your au-natural selves. As long as you felt no pressure, I say good for you. And if you were nominated, I'm sure it was with the best of motives, as I'm sure it was for me.
Could I have posted one? Sure. Are there pictures of me bare-faced on FB? Yes, there are. But in response to this challenge, I have declined to post one. Partially due to the fact that I was not comfortable nominating women that may not be comfortable with it and might feel public pressure, and partly because I do not want a list of comments telling me I'm a natural beauty. History has proven that is not the honest response to my naked face. Don't worry. I'm fine with that.
Just don't judge me for putting on makeup.
Why? Because I don't feel sick today.