Christmas Nostalgia: Embracing Life

I don’t feel whole.

Today, as I sit in an aura of Christmas nostalgia, my heart is split in two.

Looking inwardly, pain and excitement, discouragement and gratefulness, frustration and privilege all claw and tear at each other for victory within me.

Pain, discouragement and frustration scream, “You are disabled, sick, and broken down,” while excitement, gratefulness and privilege shout back, “You are loved, capable and possess abundance.”

My life has become a massive collision of joy and suffering. Don and I are on the adventure of a lifetime, living overseas and experiencing life fully in new and thrilling ways. We have fallen in love with the UK, to add to our love of Canada. We have great community with friends and family both far and away. I have never lived such texture before. Fascination engulfs me daily as uneven cobblestone keeps me awake in each step; as quirks and intricacies of people come to the forefront even in the mundane; as colours break forth in each musical note of songs like All of Me by John Legend and Blank Space by Taylor Swift.

I am alert.

At the same time, sickness has gripped and shook every step of this voyage.

And why should it not?

As I look outward, I see pain and excitement, discouragement and gratefulness, frustration and privilege. Their message might differ to those they battle within, but they thrive just the same.

Christmas seems to magnify this vast range of emotion. It is a time to celebrate those we love, as well as mourn those we’ve lost. It is a time to give, although not everyone is privileged enough to receive. It is a time to celebrate all that we have, but how do we put aside painful pasts and uncertain futures?

I don’t know how to embrace the whole of living, but I know I must.

In anticipation of Christmas, I am reminded of what I want to be most important in my life. The key to acceptance of life in its totality.

Love.

And love is something that sickness or pain will not take away from me. It is mine to give, freely and fiercely, no matter the circumstance.  

I will laugh.

I will cry.

 I will love.

As you laugh, and as you cry, I pray that love is victorious, settling at the core of your being and permeating your every ounce, regardless of joy or pain.

In celebration of life in its entirety,

Merry Christmas.

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I had the honour of meeting a sweet, sweet woman recently who is in the hospital due to her spouse shattering her skull. She is originally from another country and speaks little English, has children and at this point has no place to go when she gets out of the hospital. Her children are in "care" living in a hotel while she cries herself to sleep each night from fear and worry and pain. She is in agony. In every sense possible.

As Christmas approaches, I always look forward to...
 spending time with friends and family,
     {she has no other family here and her only visitors are her children and their support worker}

the delectable food treats that will be sampled over the next few weeks,
     {She will be eating hospital food, if she is up to eating at all. Chewing pains her head}

the gifts that will be passed around and delight on my nieces and nephews faces as they open them,
     {I have been told her family will be given the token hamper, since they are now in "care"}

staring at my lit up Christmas tree with it's angel tree topper and pure white lights glowing in the dark,
     {I don't imagine the hotel, which lies in the core area, is in the habit of putting up Christmas trees for families such as this}

the stocking that will be filled to the brim with wonderful surprises from my husband,    
     {As violence his only gift, I pray this family's husband and father will be found and put in jail.}

Christmas.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
I've known for years it is not about the shopping, eating and getting. Right?
I've known for years that it is supposed to be about the birth of a baby named Jesus.
But is that it?
Is it just a celebration of this birth?
Why?
What does that really mean?
That we give those we love stuff out of joy and thankfulness? Sure. Maybe.
But is it not more than that?

Someone whom I respect very much said this recently, "The world will be influenced because you are in it. How will you use that influence?"

My heart is twisted in a knot this season. I hope in that process it wrings out an outpouring of love.

To those of you who so generously are helping me help this sweet, sweet woman and her family this Christmas, I thank you. From the bottom of my messy bleeding heart. It is obvious your heart is squeezing out love in this and your influence will make a difference.

I don't plan to give out an answer as to what this celebration of Christmas is all about. I trust you to dig deep and figure out what it could mean in your life. It will be different for everyone.

I just know this:
It must mean...
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