MRI-ing It With My Serious Side

I had an MRI of my neck and spine yesterday.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared.
I'm scared for what it might show.
I'm scared for what it might not show.

I've been contemplating what this could mean for a while now.

What if things are serious? As much as I have been able, with as much as I have been given, have I lived my life to the fullest? The fullest potential? The fullest potential to make a positive impact on the world? Will my life's footprint be remembered with fear, disgust, or maybe even worse...ambivalence? Might it be washed away by the tide?

Don't get me wrong, I have many, many people in my life who I know love me and cares for me. There's no doubt about it. And maybe that's because they enjoy my company, maybe I create a few laughs, maybe there's a bond that only living life together can bring. But my question is not, do others love me well, but rather, am I living up to my fullest capacity to love others?

This is a rhetorical question, not one to be answered by anyone other than myself and my God. One to be answered again and again, until the question can no longer be asked.

What about the physical possibilities? What if I need surgery? What if it hurts? What if it alters my body's abilities? What if I become seriously debilitated for the rest of my life?

If I am being truly honest, I don't want to die.
But I don't either want to live with some of the possibilities.

I know some of you may not want to hear that. I'm sorry.

Let me reitify...I don't want to die. I want to fully live.

I want to fully live by running toward that potential to love.
I want to fully live without feeling trapped in my own skin.

How can I be so selfless and so selfish at the same time???

Well, all I can do now is wait, and enjoy the holidays with friends and family.

I commit to deal as it comes. And I am deciding, no matter what, to aim toward that potential to love.

Please help me.

"Good Grief"

"I won't let commercialism ruin my Christmas. " - Charlie Brown



I'm so glad that I watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with myself this afternoon. What a profound movie.
Right where my heart is this Christmas.
Sally was making her Christmas list and said, "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share", as she asked for cash to buy all the toys she desired.
I've been Sally in the past. Maybe I have a little bit of Sally still in me. But as she spoke those words I realised in a new way...I'm not so sure I want "what I have coming to me". I don't think it would be pretty.
But, like Lucy suggested to Charlie, "You need to get involved in some Christmas project."
Yes. Yes I did need that.
I too would be feeling, "The Charlie Browniest", this season, if I hadn't taken some of  the focus off myself and poured it onto those who could use it.
And I really believe Christmas is about so much more than the beast of greed we've sometimes made it into be.
"Is there anyone who can tell me what Christmas is all about?"
"And on earth, peace, and goodwill toward men."
Thanks Linus.
 I'm not sure I agree with Lucy though, when she  asks, "How can you say someone is Great if he's never had his picture on bubblegum cards?!"
I've never seen a picture of Jesus, but I have a feeling He has a lot to do with the "Magic of Christmas". I'm thinking He is pretty great.
Maybe not in the sense that some people think.
No that He came to die, but that He came to show us how to live.
Maybe the way He lived his life, is what twists people's hearts towards love, forgiveness, generosity.
I pray that I my gain, "Good Grief"  and leak it out of my soul. The kind of grief that is for others pain, and the kind that spurs me to action.
I think I may need to watch that movie again in about February. And April. And June.

"Is there anyone who can tell me what Christmas is all about?"

Yes, I think He can.

Angels

This Christmas season, as it became evident that a particular family was in need. I put out a call to some friends and family to see if they could help bless this family and meet some of their basic needs.

As a result, I would like to tell you a story.

A teenage girl that I know in a distant town had asked her parents if they would by her a $200 ipod for Christmas. Their response was that they would pitch in half, but that the difference would have to come out of the teen's own money.

On a totally different day, one of my family members happened to informed this teen's mother of the family in need, and this friend wanted to contribute, but needed to discuss it with her spouse before committing.
The mother was reading my plea for help to her husband in their car, with the kids in the backseat.
When they got home, the teen quietly went down to her room and came back up with $100 and said this, "I don't want the ipod for Christmas. I want to help this family instead." The parents then added to that money a very generous amount and sent it with my family member to give to me to pass on.

As my sister recited this story to me, tears ran down my cheeks.

What teenager, who wants an ipod, gives up her Christmas present and gives of her own money on top of that?!?

That girl's heart bleeds love. The kind of love that I wish my heart to bleed.

There are angels in this world.
Apparently they come in the form of a humble, teenage girl.

Thank you.

More

I had the honour of meeting a sweet, sweet woman recently who is in the hospital due to her spouse shattering her skull. She is originally from another country and speaks little English, has children and at this point has no place to go when she gets out of the hospital. Her children are in "care" living in a hotel while she cries herself to sleep each night from fear and worry and pain. She is in agony. In every sense possible.

As Christmas approaches, I always look forward to...
 spending time with friends and family,
     {she has no other family here and her only visitors are her children and their support worker}

the delectable food treats that will be sampled over the next few weeks,
     {She will be eating hospital food, if she is up to eating at all. Chewing pains her head}

the gifts that will be passed around and delight on my nieces and nephews faces as they open them,
     {I have been told her family will be given the token hamper, since they are now in "care"}

staring at my lit up Christmas tree with it's angel tree topper and pure white lights glowing in the dark,
     {I don't imagine the hotel, which lies in the core area, is in the habit of putting up Christmas trees for families such as this}

the stocking that will be filled to the brim with wonderful surprises from my husband,    
     {As violence his only gift, I pray this family's husband and father will be found and put in jail.}

Christmas.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
I've known for years it is not about the shopping, eating and getting. Right?
I've known for years that it is supposed to be about the birth of a baby named Jesus.
But is that it?
Is it just a celebration of this birth?
Why?
What does that really mean?
That we give those we love stuff out of joy and thankfulness? Sure. Maybe.
But is it not more than that?

Someone whom I respect very much said this recently, "The world will be influenced because you are in it. How will you use that influence?"

My heart is twisted in a knot this season. I hope in that process it wrings out an outpouring of love.

To those of you who so generously are helping me help this sweet, sweet woman and her family this Christmas, I thank you. From the bottom of my messy bleeding heart. It is obvious your heart is squeezing out love in this and your influence will make a difference.

I don't plan to give out an answer as to what this celebration of Christmas is all about. I trust you to dig deep and figure out what it could mean in your life. It will be different for everyone.

I just know this:
It must mean...
More.

Sexual Abuse/Assault: A Community Crime

I originally posted this a year ago and after being reminded tonight of all the sexual exploitation and abuse that can from within families, strangers, as well as through organized crime in the business of human trafficking, felt it appropriate to repost.

Spending the afternoon over coffee with a friend the other day, a statement was made that broke and overwhelmed my heart.
The statement my friend made was this: "Of all the people in my life, I know of only three, and maybe you, that have not been sexually abused or sexually assaulted."
These few words brought an immense sadness that I can't shake. Why? Because I have no doubt it is true.
What has come of the human race that multitudes of innocent people are deemed disposable in such a horrific and violent manner? In perhaps even as few as five minutes, a life can be altered in such a profoundly negative way that some never recover. What would their days look like if those events never took place?
The topic of justice came up shortly after that and there is no denying, too many perpetrators are living without consequence. ( I do wonder what led them to a place of such crime and hatred.)
 Conversation then turned to a specific event where a young woman my friend knows was under obvious distress, bloody, clothes torn, shaking, after having just been raped. In broad daylight this woman used public transportation and also travelled on foot through residential streets.
No one, let me repeat, no one, offered to help her. No one asked questions. No one was willing to get their hands or heart dirty.
Now I ask...was only one crime committed that day?
Some people, perhaps you, would say something to the effect of, "I've never been in a position to help someone like that. I would step in for sure."
Really?
First off, why haven't so many of us ever helped in a situation such as this? Is it because we don't dare use public transportation or go into those areas of town out of disgust? Is it because we would rather turn a blind eye and live in denial? Is it because we think someone else will take care of it?
Apparently they won't.
Okay, so maybe you haven't encountered a rape victim, but have you ever been suspicious of ongoing child abuse? Did you step in? Did I?
If so many people in this world are hurting from abuse or attack, and I believe they are, why aren't we noticing? Caring? Feeling? Enough to do something.
Thank you to my friend for reminding me to open my eyes and my heart to the hurting, even though I'm sure you had no idea that's exactly what you were doing in that conversation.
We can't be ignorant. It is wrong.
I realize this is certainly not a "feel good" topic, nor do I want it to be. In fact, my wish is that anyone who reads this feels pain and heartbreak even if for just a moment, just long enough to vow to look around your world, truly love, and care enough to help.

If you are willing to show support of those who have or will be abused, will you please hit the "like" button at the bottom of this page to help spread the word? I thank you in advance. 

Living Dead Girl

While scrolling through radio stations in search of a satisfying song, I came across "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie.
Not exactly my style, my hand rested on the knob just long enough for a spark to fire in my brain.
Having no idea what the song was meant to be, the phrase began twisting and churning in my brain.

How many people are wandering about their days - step, step, step - feeling the absence of life in their numb yet functioning bones?

How many women have lost their heart's breath at the hands of insult and abuse?
How many boys have lost their power in the absence of a gentle father?
How many men have lost their will to a suffocating spouse?
How many girls are both alive and dead, stuck in a self-loathing image?

How many people?

Society is, if not dead,  broken with multitudes of "living dead girls".

How do I, a stranger and a friend, help infuse life back into the lifeless, before metaphor becomes literal?

A tear slips down.

My only hope is for Hope itself.

Amen.

Protective Layer of Cope

I grew up knowing Jane Fonda to be a fitness tape guru and not much else. The desire to apologize for that ignorance is strong, strong indeed.

As I was flipping channels the other day, I caught her telling some of her story. Recollections of childhood gave my heart a familial ambience as she divulged both raw and dull emotion and dynamics from her past.

Magnetically, she lured me into her narrative and fascinated, I sat perfectly still, listening. As my decaf coffee sat untouched, growing colder phrase by painful phrase, she came to make a profound statement that has revolved and evolved in my mind ever since. It was this:

“We develop coping mechanisms to survive but we keep them longer than their shelf life and they become impediments.”

What once was a cloak wrapped around the heart to protect from the cold bite of pain, now becomes a lasting lacquer leaving no possibility for breath, in or out. Its impenetrable nature chokes life and love both from the host, and those in their midst.

Coping mechanisms are a necessary evil, in fact originating innocently and helpfully. Sometimes we must protect from harm. If we don’t, we might be obliterated in the process of relationship.

But the need to remove the cloak before it solidifies is urgent. If not destroy, at minimum we must keep it pliable, to be used only when necessary.

How do we accomplish this?

I wish I knew. For I fear this progression has already completed its task deep in my heart.

Can the barrier be fractured? I pray it may, letting the air of freedom and love seep in.

 

Amen.

Love God. How?

Loving God.

Without total certainty due to ignorance on my part, but with a fair guess, I would think most people with a sense of spirituality would aim to achieve this at some level - regardless of who or what they see God as being. Although we will not all realize agreement on that subject, today’s concept disregards our differences and can only truly unite, if put into practice.

I have grown up with the idea that worship of God is the ultimate act of love towards Him. Worship was defined as singing songs of praise to Him, thanking Him for what we have, praying words of adoration to Him.

I have since come to disagree with this idea.

I struggle to view God as the supreme essence of megalomania.

I do not deny the benefit of worship as I’ve been taught, to be a helpful reminder of how we view God or of how we endeavour to be, but I now embrace doubt that those actions profit Him.

This leads me straight into the quest for the answer of how truly to love God.

I can only come to one conclusion: The act of loving others is the crucial, essential and implicitly singular method of actually loving Him.

 

I think God, as we do, recognizes the old adage that “talk is cheap”. I don’t think He wants our words aimed back at Himself, but rather His love directed straight at others through what we do. Exponential measures of changed lives can be achieved through pure love shared by those who truly love Him.

We could:

Sing “I love you Lord”

Or

 We could freely babysit for an overworked single mother and rock her babies to sleep with tenderness.

We could:

Say “I am thankful for many blessings”

Or

We could give our warmest leather gloves right off our hands as we come to a street corner with a man sitting freezing in the cold, begging for change.

We could:

Lift our hands as we sing “Your love is amazing”

Or

We could embrace a homosexual and love them just as they are, as we would any cherished heterosexual daughter.

We could:

Bow our heads as we sit in the pews and pray for our sick neighbour

Or

We could hold their hand, cry with them and pray for peace as they lose the battle to cancer.

We could:

Pray for humility

Or

We could volunteer to clean the overused toilets at a teen drop-in centre.

We could:

Pray for forgiveness

Or

In an attitude of repentance, humbly ask for the help we need to take steps to change our negativity.

I have a confession to make.

I have recently wept over my own failures in some of these very areas.

Inadequacy chokes as I type who I desire to be, but know I can never totally become. That is – a complete lover of God.

Love of self stands in the pathway.

I must hope in the redemption of error. (That is, in spite of my faults good can still result, often on the part of others.)

At the same time I must attempt to express my love towards God by rather aiming it towards others.

That is my heart today.
 

Amen.